How Does She Know?

"Leave this door unlocked for my granddaughter's boyfriends."

Easy Mistake

Me: "I'm going to get my tea."

Grandma: "Oh, good idea, I'll go get my teeth too."

Aunt Flow

"Menstruation? What is this? I forgot about this woman thing."

The Civil War

(To polite, earnest Mormon youth, who had just asked her age:)

"I was born a long, long time ago... in the Civil War!"

(Cackles while Mormon youth tries to decide if he's being messed with. He totally is.)

Politically Correct

(Delighted) "Oh, you are black! You are so beautiful!"

"You live together? And you are not married? Oh well, I guess sex is here to stay."

Prop 8

"Did you find a nice girl to marry yet? .......Oh wait, you are a girl."

Whatever Gets You Up in the Morning

"This morning I thought to myself, I should just die. I should commit suicide. But then, I got hungry."

April 9th, 2011

"The nurse saw me yesterday, and I have a dentist appointment soon, so apparently I'm still alive."